Posted by Duff
My Mom Genes will be taking a holiday break until December 29th. Wishing you and yours happy celebrations!
But before we go, I didn’t want to forget this: Baby’s First Expletive(s):
The Dervish says and does a variety of incredibly sweet things. She offers her food to everyone (and everything), including the cats, the trash can and her napkin.
She inquires as to our well-being: Mommy, you tired? You still hungry? She kisses our boo-boos, tucks us in, and hugs her stuffed animals and dollies with surprising tenderness.
Oh, dear, she says softly as she drops something. She breaks into broken versions of her favorite songs so self-assuredly, I wish I could bottle that confidence for her tween years.
However, the other day, she got so venomously angry at me that I was actually taken aback, accused.
I was trying to remove her newest obsession: a polka dot coat, to get her into her snowpants and out into the snow with her father, where she was begging to go. She was beyond worried she wouldn’t get her coat back, and I tried several times to explain the series of events that would get her out the door the quickest. Most importantly, that she would get the coat back after the snowpants.
Well, she’s two.
About seven minutes (and as many attempts) into this debacle (since The Dervish would not surrender her coat but was growing ever impatient to get outdoors), she ripped my hands off her, backed up, and with one hand on her hip and the other pointing and claw-like, she screeched:
YOU! Don’t you &^*^&*&*^. $#$ %%& and $#$%&**()*!
I don’t know what she intended to communicate toward the end of her rant -whatever awfulness she spewed was completely submerged by hysterics - but holy cow was that Dervish ticked off. She wanted me to know that she had had it, with me, specificially.
It was the first time I was really afraid of her capacity for rage, which is saying a lot, because she can throwdown with the best of them – but it was never personally directed before.
The good news is, we made up. However, there is a blur in my memory from the moment she pointed until she was successfully dressed for the snow and out the door and I went to deal with myself.
I just know that it happened, amid sweat and snot and tears.
Please know that I didn’t lay a hand on her, other than to get her dressed. I was just about as angry as she was. The difference is I believed in her anger. Per usual, she was unfazed by me and mine.
Surprisingly, I consider her standing up to me an important milestone – one I wish I had on film. Because as challenging as she proves to be (and I hope she will remain when she begins dating, sometime in her 30s if she has my orthodontic problems), she is impressive.
I may have to make her do (many) something(s) for her own good, but I’m certainly not going to change her mind.
I am so proud of her.
December 29, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Wow. I’m sorry. I love reading your blog. But you didn’t reprimand her at all? (And I do not mean spank…but a time out, and a stern voice, telling her she lost privilege to go outside and play because of how she treated you.) You just got her out the door to play? Isn’t that reinforcing the problem? I agree showing independence is a milestone. And I have a 1-year-old who is already showing signs of a temper. He just started struggling and crying when he gets dressed and changed, and I tell him no, you must get changed/dressed, and then proceed while he whines. I am in control here. Not him. I can tell you right now that I won’t stand for that type of attitude or language. He’ll be told to sit in a chair, you’re taking a break, because you don’t talk to mommy like that, because she doesn’t talk like that you too. I know it’s much easier said than done. And I’ve only been a mom for a year. But I read about the total fit she threw in the store with your husband, and now this, and I’m thinking…who is the parent? She needs to know her parents are in control. Kids need to know that. It makes them feel secure to have boundaries. (Super Nanny talks about it every show even.) You love her SO much. I feel bad that you have to take that abuse from her, even though she can be so loving and sweet, it’s still not okay. You’re her mom, who needs respect.
December 31, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Sara, I completely understand where you’re coming from with your question. I always said I would take a no-exceptions “I’m the boss” approach with The Dervish – and often, I do – to the point where I feel like we spend so much time disciplining her there is time for little else. Getting her into her snowpants was more of a punishment (for her) than keeping her inside in this instance.
After getting to know her, it seems that what I believe and what works best are sometimes two different things, and it’s been a slap to my ego to learn that lesson the hard way. Talking back and rudeness will not be tolerated – tantrums happen when things have reached a point of no return. At least with her. I imagine our second will respond differently and we’ll have to amend our notions again.
December 30, 2008 at 5:46 am
My favorite thing about you and the Dervish has always been how you treasure her independence and value her opinion and feelings, regardless of her age. In my opinion, parenting isn’t about asserting control or authority as much as it is about fostering an environment where a child is free and encouraged to become their own person and trust their range of emotion. I love that you encourage Dervish to do so and see her, when you can take that step back after the storm, as the individual she is.
I specifically avoid Super Nanny and the like because so much of that is about “who’s boss”. For what it’s worth, Ethan has a similar temperament, both the good and the bad (he asks, “are you okay?” if he hears me say “ouch” in the other room). If Dervish were nothing but aggression and nastiness, perhaps there’d be something to “address” in that way. But she’s sensitive and bright and loving as well as being fiery.
Just a different perspective from the other response, I guess.
January 5, 2009 at 5:52 pm
First, I’m sorry for judging. You sound like fabulous mom with a HUGE heart. And I am out outsider. I agree, I don’t know your daughter. I don’t know all the different things you’ve tried or what works or doesn’t work for her…I’m sure you’ve tried everything! I think I just hurt for you sometimes. (And probably scared for myself too.) It has to be hard when she is in a state like that. I’m sure I’ll have my time to be screamed at soon enough with a growing, curious, determined 13-month-old son.
Again, sorry, we moms need to support and understand each other. Good lesson for me!
November 6, 2009 at 2:12 pm
[...] me–the most challenging chapter of parenting a strong-willed child. By comparison, The Great Snowpants Debacle is a [...]